Strange and Beautiful
by Ocean of Ashes
Summary: A brief oneshot regarding Ray's feelings towards Neela, roundabouts earlymid season 13.


Disclaimer: The song used below is Strange and Beautiful, by Aqualung. All material related to the ER is also not mine.

Author's Note: I wrote this a little while ago, around about, perhaps slightly after, the episode in this season where Ray sees Neela and Gates together after that debate. At the time I wrote it, I quite liked this but I have since gone off it somewhat, but I thought I would post it and let you judge for yourselves. It's a beautiful song, and I think the lyrics could be quite representative of Ray's feelings around this time, so please accept my apologies if my writing has not done it justice.

Strange and Beautiful

God, that had been another awful day. There had been too many of those lately, Ray thought as he opened the door to his apartment and let his bag fall to the floor. Instead of turning on the light, he made his way over to the fridge in the half dark and took out a beer. These days when he crashed on the sofa he didn't have to fight his way through rubbish anymore; since Neela had been gone he'd made a bit more of an effort about the place, as if somehow a tidy apartment, not littered with empty pizza boxes and band members would make her come back. It wouldn't of course. Nothing would. They had gone too far beyond that stage to ever be able to return to it, except in dreams and fantasies that he knew would never come true.

_I've been watching your world from afar_

_I've been trying to be where you are_

_And I've been secretly falling apart_

_Unseen_

He'd been trying so hard to be what she wanted him to be, a friend, giving her space, letting her grieve for her husband, but it was killing him. He wanted to take her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be okay, because he would make it okay for her. She told him to stay the hell away from her, so that's what he was doing, but inside, it tore him apart. His life was nothing without her; there was no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to come home at night, and he couldn't tell a soul. There was no-one who could ever understand how desolate he felt right now.

_To me, you're strange and you're beautiful_

_You'd be so perfect with me_

_But you just can't see_

_You turn every head but you don't see me_

To him, she was the most beautiful creature in the world. Her dark skin and darker eyes captivated him beyond words, but her beauty went deeper than that. The time they had spent together had taught him so much about her, what was important to her and how she thought and all her silly quirks, and it was all of her, everything about her that he found beautiful. And they balanced each other out. He had always helped her relax, let that sleek black hair of hers down, and her inhibitions go over a bottle of tequila, and in return, she had made him who he was today. In the time he had known her, he had made the transition from a cocky intern more concerned with his rock career than his patients to a good and caring doctor, and although Weaver might like to claim at least some of the credit for it, he knew it was all Neela. He had done it because of her and for her and with her. And yet, she had no idea. She just didn't see what was staring her in the face. Hell, she was so blind to it, she upped and married someone else. It was like he was invisible to her, and that hurt very badly. And there was nothing, not a thing, he could do. He had to sit back like it didn't bother him in the slightest, and watch her as she threw herself at that waste of space of an arrogant intern. She had cancelled his right to care about her, and so when he saw, and longed for it to be him throwing her onto that table, him savouring her perfect lips, he had no option but to walk away, to pretend like he didn't see, to pretend like he didn't care. Just like she didn't see him, didn't care about him. Except hers wasn't pretence. Hers was crushingly real.

_I'll put on spell on you_

_You'll fall asleep_

_When I put a spell on you_

_And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see_

_And you'll realise that you love me_

If only it was as simple as waving a magic wand, or giving some old lamp a damn good rub. If it was, he knew what wish he would choose. He'd only need the one. For her to be happy, really genuinely happy, and for him to be the one to have made her that way. It didn't seem so much to ask, but he knew there were some wishes that could never come true.

_Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first_

_Sometimes the first thing you want never comes_

_But I know that waiting is all you can do_

_Sometimes_

Watching her marry another man devastated him. Seeing her look at her husband with the light and life in her eyes dancing in her eyes that he had always imagined one day would be aimed at him was like having his world crumble around him. And then when she moved out, that world did crumble. It still lay around him now, in shattered and broken pieces that he didn't know how to mend. What he really wanted of course, was for her to mend them; she was the only person who could, after all. He wanted it so badly, it hurt every second of the day, all the time, but no amount of longing would work here. Some things just weren't meant to be. There was nothing left for him to do but wait, and pray.

_I'll put on spell on you_

_You'll fall asleep_

_When I put a spell on you_

_And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see_

_And you'll realise that you love me_

Maybe one day all his prayers would be answered and his dreams come true and his fantasies realised. Maybe one day, she would open her eyes and see that he was still there, watching, waiting, hoping. He had to keep telling himself that. Hope was all he had left now.

_I'll put on spell on you_

_You'll fall asleep_

_Cause I put a spell on you_

_And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see_

_And you'll realise that you love me_


End file.
